Q: What’s the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A: You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q: What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A: Ten minutes of silence.
Q: What do eating pussy and dealing with the Mafia have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.
The following is the first place winner of a “Most Embarrassing Moments” Contest in New Woman Magazine:
“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ “The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.” - Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
Q: What does a blonde do after sucking a cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
Q: What’s the best thing to give an 80 year old woman for her Birthday?
A: Mikey he’ll eat anything.
Q: What do jello and women have in common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them.
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with there hats on.
An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, “If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?” One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, “None, ’cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away.”
The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer. Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, “No, there would be one — the one that the farmer shot.”
The teacher replied, “No, Johnny, you’re wrong, but I like the way you think.”
“OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you,” boasted Johnny. “Let’s say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?”
After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, “Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside.”
Johnny responded, “No, teacher, you’re wrong — it’s the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think.”
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some actually joined in for fun from time to time.
So it was one day, Ethel was speeding down one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched. “STOP!” he said in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?”. Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. “OK,” he said and she went on her way.
Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted “STOP! Do you have proof of insurance for your vehicle madam?” Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer-mat which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on.
Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizable erection in his hand. “Oh no”, said Ethel, “Not the breathalyzer again!”
“Evening Bath”
It was time for Father John’s Saturday evening bath and young sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. “Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”
“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.
“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he now,” said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace and then Father John guided his Key of Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact,” said the old nun more evenly.
“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
“That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”
Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: They can both smell it but they can’t eat it.
Q: What’s the difference between an airship and 365 blowjobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, the other is an excellent year.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows.
Q: Why is 77 better than 69?
A: You get “8″ more.
A couple of female deers were getting all ready to go out.
Another deer walks in and asks, “Where are you going?”
They both replied, “Just downtown to blow a few bucks.”
Q: How are pubic hairs like parsely?
A: You push them aside before you eat.
Darla and Buckwheat were sitting in English class when the teacher says, “Darla, spell the word dictate”.
Darla stands up and says “D-I-C-T-A-T-E”.
The teacher replies, “That’s very good Darla. Now, Buckwheat, will you please use that word in a sentence?”
Buckwheat stands up and asks, “Hey Darla how my DICTATE last night?”
Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: Blowjob
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in her garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions:
“First, you must wear a diaphragm.”
Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?”
“You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.”
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 am, Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck & VERY satisfied.
“Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother.
“Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!”
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”
“I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?”
“I can’t remember, exactly … Peter Peter, something or other…”
Sexier Sex: 3 Ways
In an effort to sift through the hot mess — I thought it might be fun to share some tips, techniques, & suggestions acquired from a list of my personal faves, as well as a few from friends and co-stars in the industry! When I’m lost in a sea of over sexxxed mania, I get busy with these devilish moves…
1.) Technology and Sex: Sexting (sexy texting) puts convenient seduction right at the tip of your agile digits– it’s the foreplay of the future! Why not incorporate some filth into your daily grind? I’m partial to dirty fill in the blank sexts such as: “Later I’m going to ____ your ____ till you ____. I won’t stop till you ___ (#) times.”
2.) Location, Location, Location!: One of my girlfriends in Adult, RyAnne, suggests a classic throwback– Road head! She notes though to pick a mellow back road to allow for some responsible, irresponsibility… Sometimes the same old same old has brand new effectiveness with a little change of scenery… There’s just something about that spontaneous, slightly reckless, junior-year-method that never disappoints. Personally, I like to get all hot and bothered in public… Or almost in public. I love going out to gorgeous Italian & French restaurants because they usually have the long opaque white table cloths. With French and Italian being major romance languages, I’m not surprised that they offer patrons subtle cover from the waist down at every table. My suggestion… Take advantage of each other while hiding in plain sight.
3.) Hot Mess!: Porn star and good friend, Ariel Adore’s Oral Tip? “Don’t Be Afraid To Get Messy!” I really couldn’t agree more! Come on let’s face it, sex is dirty! The pinnacle moment of sex is the raunchiest, wettest, and messiest part, right? There’s no way to get around it, and why should we try? Making a mess is awesome… For those who haven’t given it a try, I’d recommend this mess making technique– Try a facial! It won’t hurt I swear, but it’s not a bad idea to try closing your eyes the first time (if you’re on the receiving end of course). Facials are a fun & free way to inject some porntastic activity into your Oral Life. Here’s why… He will love it because it offers instant gratification (he gets to see his raunchy accomplishment), a sexy view at his daring partner, and the thrill of trying out something sexually new. The partner will love it because it’s an exciting way to embrace climax, and possibly discovering a brand new turn on!
So that’s my naughty Oral Sex triple threat. I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for more sultry tips and techniques in the future, and continue to share some of my personal favorites! Sometimes talking about sex can be almost as fun as having it… Almost.
Xox
- Arden